It's Always Been There
by Smashmo
Summary: A collection of drabbles, ranging from Season 2-current. Beckett realizes she has loved Castle all along.
1. The Hamptons

**Hi friends, I'm back at it. For those of you who know me, I'm sorry I've been gone so long. No good excuses, other than life is crazy. These drabbles will all be written from Beckett's POV, reliving moments that passed her by.**

**Enjoy, and please review!**

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Now that Castle is a regular part of my life, I'm starting to warm up to him. I'm growing used to his antics, wild theories, and the ever presence of a fresh coffee in my hand. I've actually started to enjoy our banter, and Castle's endless come-ons. I've come to enjoy our time together and our growing friendship is quickly becoming vital to my being.

Lanie teases me all the time about my relationship with Castle. She is relentless in trying to get me to admit to something. She always says "how can you not see what's going on? He's right in front of you!"

I always bat her away, feign indignation or indifference. I always wave her off, telling her that our relationship is nothing but an entertaining and platonic, witty rapport. Sometimes she buys it, or at least pretends to buy it for my sake.

But I'm for sure not fooling myself. The more time I spend with Castle, the more I'm drawn to him. So much so, that I think I'm starting to have feelings for him.

* * *

Today, he asked me to join him in the Hamptons, and I nearly had a stroke. I wanted to jump into his arms and tell him _yes, of course I want to spend time with you in the Hamptons._ But then I remembered that I'm still dating Demming. And my bubble of joy burst.

I agonized all day over what to do, and when Demming came to talk to me, I knew exactly what to say. I didn't want to hurt him, because he truly is a great guy, he's just not the guy for me. As I was breaking things off, I heard Castle's voice and knew that I needed to speak to him immediately.

I said goodbye to Demming and grabbed a beer as I joined the group in the break room. I asked Castle if I could have a word with him and he obliged. My heart hammered wildly in my chest as he followed me into the bullpen. I thought I was going to pass out, but managed to stay focused.

"Look, I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know. And I don't always let on what's on my mind. But this past year working with you…I've had a really good time."

My heart soars as Castle smiles and reciprocates the sentiment. My courage is bolstered, and I force myself to keep talking, knowing that I'm about to change the dynamic of our relationship forever.

"So, I'm just gonna say this-" and just as I'm about to tell Castle how I feel, Gina walks in and I feel myself deflate.

I manage to keep a straight face as I exchange pleasantries with Gina. I bite my cheek as she gives me a snarky smile, her eyes challenging me, and undressing Castle. Then she drops the bomb on me that she will be staying with Castle in the Hamptons all summer. I feel my stomach churn and I try desperately to clarify, or bargain, or anything to get him out of her sneaky hands.

_I can't breathe. I think I'm having a panic attack. Yes, I'm definitely having a panic attack. _

I shake my head, trying to dislodge the image of Gina straddling Castle.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think the two of you got along."

"We didn't. But then last night on the phone we started talking," Castle smiles as he looks at Gina and she finishes his sentence.

"And ended up talking for hours, just like old times." Gina loops her arm through Castle's as he beams down at her.

"Yeah." Comes Castle's dreamy reply. Gina gives me a smug smile.

"So I'm sorry, you were telling me something." I clear my throat as Castle's voice breaks through the ringing in my ears.

"Yeah, I wanted to say-" I pause, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

"Have a great summer." I try for a smile, but a grimace takes root on my face instead.

Castle keeps talking to me, and I'm nodding my head, agreeing with him. But my head is spinning, and I'm trying to keep back my tears. Then he reaches out to shake my hand and I all but die of humiliation. Gina continues to throw self-satisfied smiles in my direction and I swear I'm going to pass out.

Castle starts to walk away and I call out to him, grasping for the strings of our relationship. He assures me he'll be back in the fall. And even though his assurance is something, it's not enough to keep the tears from clogging my throat.

I excuse myself from the party that they boys threw for Castle and make a hasty exit. I drive home, my thoughts cloudy and chaotic. The minute I'm in my apartment, my knees give and crash to the ground. The tears haven't stopped falling since I stepped outside of the precinct, and I let them continue into the early hours of the morning.

At some point, I got up and showered, then slipped into my bed without bothering to put on clothes. I slept wrapped in my damp towel and woke with a chill I couldn't escape.

* * *

The absence of Castle haunts me.

I feel so absolutely silly, because Castle isn't gone forever. And he has every right to be in the Hamptons with Gina. But it kills me that he doesn't know how I feel. It kills me that he's there with her. It kills me that I was too stupid to tell him when I knew. I overthought and waited too long.

I waited for his call all summer. It never came.


	2. Why Didn't You Call?

**Hello Kittens, here's the next one! Hope you like it! This drabble is from the Season 3 episode, called Deadly Affair. It's the first episode of the season, and the first time Beckett and Castle will see each other after he took off to the Hamptons. And didn't call her. I know, we are all shaking our heads still. Enjoy!**

* * *

I was equal parts angry and surprised to see Castle standing over the dead woman, holding a gun. The part of me that was surprised, was also scared and confused. _Why is this man who I maybe have feelings for at a crime scene, holding the murder weapon?_ I didn't want Castle to be guilty, and I figured that he was probably caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I never, for even one second, thought he was the murderer.

The part of me that was angry was furious. _How could he be so stupid-to be at a crime scene in the first place, but to pick up the gun? _I was trying to figure out how to get him out of the mess he'd created. But I was also pissed that he hadn't called me. He didn't call me all summer, and he didn't call me when he happened upon the dead woman…if that's what happened.

After he was arrested and taken to the precinct, I left him in interrogation longer than was strictly necessary. I **know **Castle and knew that he couldn't possibly be guilty of murder. But I knew that he was guilty of not keeping his word, so I let him sweat a bit.

After he began to actually sweat, I finally entered the room, less angry than I had been. Watching Castle squirm had eased some of my fury. It actually felt good to see his discomfort, after his summer-long silence. I knew he wasn't guilty, and he knew he wasn't guilty. But he wasn't sure if I knew he was innocent. I took this as an opportunity to punish him.

I walked in and sat down, my face mostly neutral...or maybe I was smirking just the tiniest bit. Castle squirmed and shifted in his chair as I maintained my professional façade. He tried to sidetrack me, bringing up the summer, the interior of the interrogation room.

"You look good." Of course; Castle is always a smooth talker. I allow a small smile to creep onto my face.

"You look good too." I pause. "For murder." Castle looks baffled as he tries to navigate his way out of my wrath. I let him fidget for a few more seconds. He talks, sending out his wild explanation.

"Why didn't you call?" He deadpans, realizing that not only am I angry, I'm hurt too.

"I was going to call you…but you showed up before I could."

I take the conversation back to the victim. He tells me that the victim called him.

"Oh, so you and the victim were in a relationship?" I roll my eyes.

"Well, I wouldn't call it a relationship, I-" Castle's lips keep moving, but I hear none of it. I can't stop myself as the next question slips out of my mouth.

"Were you sleeping with her?" _Crap, that is totally personal and not professional at all. _

"How is that relevant?" Castle looks at me sideways, seeing right through my careful mask of professionalism.

"Motive." He buys it.

"Ah. No, I wasn't sleeping with her." He says it deliberately, convincing me with every word.

"Are you sure? Beautiful woman-" I'm not letting him off that easy.

"I'm in a relationship." I can tell by his demeanor that he doesn't want to talk about Gina. Neither do I, but I forge forward.

"With whom?" I know the answer. And I hate it.

"Is that a new lipstick?" He tries to deflect.

"Castle-" my patience is beginning to wane.

"You know with whom." He almost seems apologetic.

"How should I know? I haven't seen you in months. You could have been in dozens of relationships with women since then." There is more bite to my words than I intended. Castle reads it quickly.

"You sound jealous."

"Jealous?" I'm vexed.

"Of you dating your second ex-wife and publisher? Tell me, does she make you do everything on a deadline?" Detective Beckett is gone, and angry, jealous, snarky Kate has taken her place.

"So how about you?" Castle doesn't miss a beat. "Are you still with that cop boyfriend of yours? What was his name….Demming?" He's pushing back, and even though I knew I deserve it, I'm not ready for the sting that accompanies his words.

I break eye contact, grit my teeth, and sit back in my chair. I should have guarded my reaction better, because Castle of course sees my silence for what it is. I look down, knowing the next question before Castle has even taken a breath.

"You broke up?" His voice is softer, and I'm sure his eyes search for mine.

I push emotional Kate back down and allow Detective Beckett to take back control of the interrogation. Castle answers my questions. And trips over his words as he accidentally tips his hand, saying that the victim knew he and I have a relationship. _Is that what we have?_ He continues to explain the situation, and I feel my anger subsiding.

I've missed him. And as hurt and mad as I am that he got back together with Gina and took off to the Hamptons for the summer, I'm glad to have him back.

Later, after his name was cleared, we were discussing the bet we had for who would figure out who the killer was first. I don't have the heart to tell him that I technically won. I'm sure he knows. And I'm happy to continue our never-ending sword fight. Letting Castle win the bet means keeping him as my partner.

I'm also happy to know that while I have feelings for Castle, I don't have to figure that out right now. He's in a relationship, but he will always be my partner and best friend. I can come back to the feelings part later.

In the midst of our bet conversation, Castle looks across the paper-covered desk and shoots one of his winning smiles at me.

"I missed you too."


	3. The Triple Killer

**Hello lovelies. This drabble takes place during season 3, the episode called 3XK. There was a reader request for more of Beckett's internal monologue, and less regurgitation of the episode. I'm still playing with the balance, but I hope you enjoy! Please review!**

* * *

His very being makes me cringe. Watching his eyes move inside of that greasy, slicked skull of his makes my insides churn. He says I'm not his type, and according to his M.O., I'm not. That doesn't make me any less queasy to sit across the table from him.

We don't have enough to keep him, so I watch him walk out of the precinct, dread filling every cell of my being.

Every moment of the investigation, he's one step ahead of us. We finally catch a lead, find the scumbag and bring him in. I find myself sitting face to face with him again. I bore into him with my eyes, and I think I almost have him. Then he levels me with a single gaze, proving to me that I don't have anything on him, other than assault charges.

I walk out of the interrogation room seething. _How can we keep this lowlife here? He can't go free!_

Ryan catches a new lead, and I give the order to send him out. Castle asks to go, and I oblige with only my desire to put this man behind bars. I go back into the interrogation room, ready to ream his guts. It's a game to him, and though I'm strong, he's crazy.

I finally get him to crack, and he lays out his terms as an agreement to confess. There is such a dichotomy in my job; joy at catching a killer, and the dread that comes with knowing it's still not enough to the families of the dead.

It's a while before I realize that something isn't right. Castle and Ryan never returned from the lead they'd followed. Captain Montgomery asks me out for a drink, reassuring me that the boys are fine.

I get a call from Castle's mom, not too long after the Captain and I leave for drinks. She tells me that she spoke to Castle and he sounded strange, told her that he loved her. She says it was out of the ordinary enough that something terrible must be happening. It is the only prompting I need to go out and find the boys.

We follow the lead that Ryan and Castle set out to investigate. We speed up to the motel and I am out of the cruiser and running before it comes to a complete stop. I race up the stairs, worry eating me alive. _Please don't let them be dead. Please don't let __**him **__be dead. _I draw my gun, my breath coming out of me in bursts. I proceed cautiously and kick down the door in one go. I see Castle, gloriously unharmed. I call out his name and he tells me that it's clear, the triple killer is gone. I cut him out of the binds that tie him to the chair, relief gushing through my veins. I want to jump into his arms, kiss every inch of skin I see. _I can't believe he's alive!_

"I'm so glad that you're okay." It's genuine, but I'm careful not to reveal too much. I'm still trying to hide my feelings. I can hear my breaths waver, and I hope he doesn't recognize the quality that says I'm desperately holding back tears. I cling desperately to the shred of composure I've got left. _This was too close a call. He means so much to me and I could have lost him._

Castle fills me in on what he's figured out about the triple killer (things I've figured out simultaneously) and my insides sing, looking at his undamaged face. I could kiss him, I really could.

A little while later, I find him sitting beside the motel pool, gazing across the water. I walk up, sit down (closer than needed), and hand him a coffee. We exchanged pleasantries. And then the question that has been burning in my mind can be kept quiet no more.

"Tell me something, Castle. Why did he let you live?" I can't even look at him. The threat of losing him is still too fresh.

Castle is quiet for a beat before he answers me. I can see him turn to face me out of the corner of my eye.

"To punish me." I finally look at him, biting my lip.

Castle goes on to tell me that he feels responsible that the triple killer got away, and will kill again. I know that no words will help him, because I feel the same guilt every time a perp slips between my fingers. Instead of filling his ears with noise, I reach out and rest my hand on his knee.

The heat of his leg burns through his pants into my palm. I studiously keep my eyes on the water, not trusting myself to look at his face. He reaches down and takes my hand in his. My heart flutters, and my breath hitches in my throat. I rub my finger across his knuckle and hold tightly to his hand. It's a small act of solidarity and comfort, but it speaks volumes of what could be for us.

It takes me some time to fall asleep later that night. I'm kept awake by the racing of my mind; the lingering worry over possibly losing Castle, thoughts of him and I together, the memory of his hand encasing mine in its warmth. There is part of me that wants to just dive in and be with him. But there is also a part, and I'm not sure how dominant that part is, that is terrified of Castle and everything that comes along with being with him.

I finally fall asleep, choosing to hold tight to the radiant memory of busting that motel door down and seeing him alive, and then later his hand around mine by the pool. Yes, I'd much rather fall asleep to that.


End file.
